This is not what I had planned...

When I made the decision to sell my business last year I was experiencing a rare moment of clarity. From the moment I found myself in emergency surgery I knew that this was the end of more than just my appendix. I had been desperate to stop and grieve the shocking loss of my Dad and was due to take a 3 month sabbatical but just 2 weeks before that was due, I was in a hospital bed. My words had been, “If I don’t stop soon I’m going to explode!” What more of a sign did I need than a perforated appendix to prove that it was indeed time to stop. 

Just 8 weeks after surgery I was off to New York for 21 days of advanced Strala Yoga training. I know this doesn’t sound like stopping but doing yoga was not what I wanted to stop. It was the constant strive to keep my head above water having given too much without receiving enough back for too long. I had taken on so much responsibility and was craving freedom from having to serve everyone else’s needs but my own. Having started my own self-love journey a couple of years before this I was by now highly aware that I needed to give time to myself until I was ready to share myself with the world again.

 The Strala way is to simplify, conserve, subtract and stay easy, I literally had to undo what I had previously thought was helping people. I would be helping no one if I stayed where I was, suffering for the sake of not rocking the boat for others. In the intensity of a New York heatwave and a Full Moon eclipse I made my decision that I would not be going back to my own business. I had no idea how that would be possible but I trusted that the universe would provide. 

By the end of my 3 months sabbatical not only had proceedings started for selling my business but also the sale of my Dad’s house, my childhood home. At one point it seemed like nothing was going to come to a conclusion. There were delays after delays with contracts and solicitors for both sales, I was hanging on to my faith with my fingernails, luckily I had taken up climbing with my boyfriend to help with that! At the height of the stressful part I had a strange sense that it would all come together at once, just enough of an intuitive hit to keep me going. Then on the 31st October, Halloween, both contracts were exchanged and all sales proceeds landed in the bank account at the same time!!! Magic is real. 

But one thing I never accounted for was just how long it would take to recover from it all. I figured I’d be working again by now, with my new venture as a self-love and spiritual lifestyle guide. I wasn’t prepared for the onset of menopause, for the depth of my grief and how challenging a new relationship can be. Yes, after 12 years of single life my beautiful soulmate moved in with me just as I was moving out of all that had defined my identity before that.

 So as I sit here at my desk writing this with all my experience, knowledge and gifts to share I have no idea how to move forwards. I’m still in limbo, adrift at sea with no rudder and no laptop! How can it be that to share all that I have to offer to the world depends on technology? Or is it because I still have healing work to do on that which is blocking me from manifesting all I desire? As time has sped up, I have slowed down, is there a perfect rhythm I’m yet to dance? My singing teacher said to me yesterday that once you turn 50 you don’t care anymore, so I’ll look forward to next year then! In the meantime, I’m here on this course called life, experiencing what is, sometimes with grace, sometimes with a snotty, tear streaked face.

All I know is that regardless of the struggles I am weirdly enjoying the re-discovery of my authentic self. I know that by facing my fears, embracing my flaws and celebrating my whole palette of feelings that I’ll be making a difference just by walking down the street with a smile on my face. I hope that someone out there will be helped by me writing this.

If you would love to see my smile in person then I’ll be teaching a lovely Simply Yoga class, hosting a Women’s Day Retreat and a 7 Weeks to Self-Love Course, all starting in September. Fingers crossed I’ll get some tech help and all events will be up here shortly. 

Namaste, Kellie x 

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