Ok, so whilst initially this may appear to be a negative title, I’m pretty positive that to create the radical change that I’d been desiring in my outer world, it was essential that I leave old, worn out patterns of beliefs and behaviours behind me. Taking the massive leap of faith into the abyss of the unknown takes courage for sure as I really had no idea what was ahead of me when I sold my business in October 2018. All I knew was that my soul was calling me to stop and take a different path, partly for my own self-fulfilment but also to take a bigger role in the massive shift in consciousness that we are all experiencing. After the rapid and traumatic loss of my Dad, having emergency surgery to remove my appendix and giving up my Yoga and Pilates studio that I had spent 16 years nurturing and growing, life could only get easier hey?
Well plans are what make God laugh and as I jest about my life being a massive apprenticeship for heaven, it seems I should be careful what I say out loud! After so much change and transformation I really had not bargained on menopause arriving as soon as I stopped! I’ve always experienced hormonal hot flashes so the physical symptoms have been easy to manage and have not really made much difference to everyday life. However, the emotional roller coaster of grief and rage at any given moment between blissed out relaxation and motivation has been a ride I wasn’t expecting and for a while there I honestly thought, ‘that’s it, I really have gone bonkers!’
So my amazing plan to give myself a year to start my new venture as a Self-Love and Spiritual Lifestyle Guide is only really beginning to materialise as I write this blog to you. I felt suppressed by the situation I was in with my business defining who I was and I knew I wasn’t helping anyone by keeping on going. I actually felt grateful for the divine intervention of a perforated appendix, I saw it as a gift that allowed me to really STOP. I knew to be grateful for the abundance of money I had received through the death of my former life but I was failing to see what these intense hormonal moods were doing for me. My beautiful relationship with my earthangel boyfriend has been tested to the maximum as I became this practically suicidal nutcase, like a yo-yo out of control.
In my efforts to give myself what little love I seemed to have left inside me I’ve had homeopathy, (great for my sensitive moon-boobs!), I’ve worn a magnet in my pants, I’ve had therapies from my healer friends and life coaches and I’ve done radical experiments with energy clearing techniques and belief busting. I knew that fear was rising up inside me as each time I tried to start something new I hit roadblocks that even 2 Ganesha’s couldn’t seem to shift for me. I started to fear my own fear knowing that it would eventually make me sick again if I didn’t shift it asap. Then when I had no more ideas left I just laid down on the ground and surrendered to it. Fuck it, I just cant do this, I don’t know what it is I’m supposed to be doing, if this is it I’ll just lie here then. Only then did peace arrive, when I stopped trying to be something and someone. This was truly my authentic self, perfectly imperfect, light and dark, happy and sad, right and wrong, success and failure, beautiful and ugly. Just like there can be no day without night, no life without death, I am only truly whole when I am all of these.
So to be nothing and no one is what I’m striving for now, it’s so much more loving than judgment and criticism! After 48 years of feeling like I ought to be someone and something it is a relief beyond measure. If I have been of service in some way to you by being my complicated and simple self then I am my purpose here. From this point forward I will no longer look for approval from myself or the world, from this point forwards the wise woman, the little girl, the hippiepixiewitch in me will only seek what lights myself and the world around me up, regardless of what that looks like.
If you feel called to come with me on this journey then click the link to stay in touch or if you feel called to book a free coffee and chat with me sometime. Until then, the light in me honours the light in you. Namaste, Kellie xx