Where the heaven have I been?

First of all I must say a little apology for being off radar for a few weeks now. It has been marvellous for me but I’m now realising that there are some of you out there who are awaiting to hear what I may have to contribute to the situation we all find ourselves in. If you are reading this then I guess you are interested or at least curious and I hope that my way of seeing the bigger picture helps you to make some sense of it all or at least a brighter perspective. I’m aware of my tendency to Pollyanna things but to look for something to be glad about is what I do. If you want doom, gloom and fear don’t read this!


So where have I been and what could I possibly be glad about? Well Tom and I were in Australia for 3.5 weeks, (it was supposed to be 4.5), visiting my Mum in Sydney and immersing ourselves in nature in far North Queensland. We do not have tv, listen to the news or read a newspaper so we were pretty much unaware of the build up before we left and I’m glad we were. I saw that some people had made decisions not to travel but to be honest I didn’t want to add any energy to the situation so I went determined to embrace every moment, regardless. Apart from a few people wearing masks at the airport and the TV being on at my Mum’s house we really didn’t come across much evidence of anything being wrong. As I haven’t watched TV for 6 years or more I can always see the way the news manipulates the truth for drama and thought the loo roll situation was just that.


It’s the monsoon season in the tropics and the arrival of autumn in New South Wales so we were out of tourist time and enjoying the lack of people. We spent our time reading fiction and nature watching, hiking and walking along the beach, scanning for salties, (crocodiles!!) Which on reflection was far less scary than what I’m witnessing now. Tom hasn’t been to Australia before so it was wonderful to share his experience of seeing Kangaroos and Kookaburra’s in the wild. For me personally, it was interesting to observe who I am 25 years after my first visit to the Daintree Rainforest as a naive 24 year old. I still had a backpack on carrying so much more wisdom.

Our trip was fairly spontaneous so apart from our flights we just went where our intuition guided us. It was only really when we arrived back at Sydney from Cairns to my Mum wearing a mask and insisting we go to the International terminal to speak to our airline, that the scale of the situation sunk in. The Emirates desk was chaotic and unfriendly but we managed to get enough information to realise we may not be going home at all, as all flights were being cancelled the next day and our tickets were for the 31st March. At that point I decided to surrender to what the universe wanted for us and knew that if we got another flight I was meant to come home and if not I was needed to stay with my Mum. It was very emotional leaving my Mum just 24hrs later, partly because I wasn’t ready to leave, partly because my right to choose had been taken away but mostly as I had no idea when I would be able to see her again. And that is still unknown...


I found out later that the domestic airline we flew with from Cairns to Sydney collapsed the very next day after our flight! The interesting observations I made whilst travelling was how relaxed and friendly it all was in comparison to the stories they showed of angry chaos on my Mum’s tv. We had the last two seats on Malaysian airlines and at a very empty KL airport it was literally just our plane waiting for 4 hours together, but the bars were open so everyone was fine! We’d been told that we may be tested for the virus at Kuala Lumpur and London and have to stay in quarantine for 14 days but no one said a word. Our driver that brought us back to Chelmsford from the airport, enjoyed filling us in on the rest of the news we didn’t really want to hear.


So we’ve been unintentionally self-isolating in the rainforest for a few weeks before spending our last week doing the same at home in Chelmsford. There seems to be an abundance of wildlife around now that it is more peaceful here in the city centre. Maybe that’s because there are less people and traffic, maybe the air is cleaner or maybe we’ve managed to remain in tune with nature. We have ridden our bikes along the river, meditated and sown some vegetables seeds in the garden. We’ve stood on the yellow dots that distance us and enjoyed the easier way for an empath to shop! We’ve enjoyed more conversation with our neighbours and more warmth from the majority of people in the street. We’re enjoying a mortgage holiday and the time to reassess our needs and desires. Me personally, I’m enjoying the relief of realising that I’m ready for this.


Before I left for Australia, I was struggling to let go of the self-induced pressure to return to business and live up to my former successes. No matter how much I said out loud it’s ok if I am just me without having to be someone in the world, I still had this feeling that I’m supposed to be doing more and not doing it. The trip to Australia was going to be my chance to reflect with some perspective and get me ready for taking action on my return home. My choice to retract as much as possible from conformity and opinions to help me discover who I really am was blocked by imagined fears. I was craving radical change, a more simple and peaceful life, a community of people with like minds, to be paid for being me. I still felt alien in my world, like something is not quite right here.


And here we are. The strangest thing has happened. All those feelings I had have disappeared. It seems that whilst I was away the rest of the world decided to join me. Aside from those we applaud for still working in whatever role that is, the majority are for a temporary time, all the same. Not an anything, just a human in lockdown. No one to impress except yourself! I impressed myself when I made cookies today! I had all these thoughts before I came home about doing online classes but there are so many out there now, I’ve just been happy doing my own practise indoors. I’ve picked my ukulele back up and started drawing sacred geometry. The joy of no make up and sleeping on the sofa in the afternoon. I could have done all these things before but I didn’t allow myself as I ought to be doing some kind of work. Now it’s suddenly ok and I realise I’m happy in the moment. I’ll take action when I know it’s time. This way I will be bringing my inner strength and light to the world when it is needed again for whatever that may turn out to be.


I’ll be writing more about my thoughts on the global situation but thought you’d prefer a slightly lighter story. Sending love to you all until then. Namaste 🙏

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